Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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