So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
