does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
