if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
