But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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