On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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