Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize