I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
