i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
