Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
