Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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