i just wanna soil my oats bro
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
