I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
