My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize