Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
