if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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