I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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