I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Two words: nipple clamps
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