I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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