His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Boobs speak an international language.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
