Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
