I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
