You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
