Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
