I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
