does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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