Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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