He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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