I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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