FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
