i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We left the knife in your bed.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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