If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
