he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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