she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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