You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
