Can i not drive my cunt home
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I want her autograph on my taint
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
