it wasn't lemon gatorade
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
