I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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