so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
