Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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