I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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