Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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