these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
