Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
