Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
