I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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