Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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