I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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