apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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