I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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