My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
