the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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