I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
