im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
