At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
