I just pynch a tree in the face
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
