There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
